October’s Ebb and Flow

Disclaimer: I speak of God and at the same time I do not identify as religious. For me, ‘God’ is a word that can be just as easily exchanged for ‘universe’ ‘the all’ ‘most high’ ‘infinite spirit’ and so on. In my practice I use all terms with equal love. My church is within. Thank you.


October is always a renewing month for me. Renewing in a sense that My emotional spectrum seems to cycle and reset in accordance with the wisdom from years past. About  17 years ago to the 29th, my mother passed away. While some may think that was the beginning of my awakening process, I was far from it. In fact, for the first 10 years I existed solely on the lower spectrum of vibration.

I felt anger towards myself, towards god (to the point where I swore off acknowledgment of such), I was aggressive, immature, selfish, and above all just dwelling in the caverns of fear.

So in these first 10 years, when October came around, it was a flood of emotion that felt never ending. My mentality was such that all this pain and sorrow could only be cured through forgetting, which lead me to drinking. Furthering my troubles was a growing silence from family and friends…. they just didn’t know what to say or do to help. All because I’d been so angered within I projected a very negative aura.

So what changed? What was I able to find that allowed me to hold on just long enough to pull myself out? Honestly I don’t know, because it wasn’t just one thing.

The biggest thing, however, was that I had to forgive.

I wasn’t ready to forgive, though I knew that was the path, for about 2 more years. It’s always an incredible revelation for one to understand that once you become aware of something, and still choose the other option, that the universe takes note of that. Dually.

So while I knew where to plant and which seeds to sew, the seeds sewn in my life were that of ego, and ignorance. I reaped. For too long I reaped.

Forgiveness became a real thing put into practice when I was thrust into solitude in 2015.  I had just lost my job, and a girlfriend. I’d moved into a studio apartment in a new city, and had just enough money saved to pay 3 months advanced rent and hibernate through the winter. I cocooned myself.

Another October came, and I was able to exchange anger and sorrow for pure heartbreak. My mother, on October 29th, suffered a sudden heart attack and died in front of me. And after so many years of rage, it just felt good to cry because I missed her. I was able to forgive her, god, and myself.

However once I allowed forgiveness into my life… everything began to shift. I was still an infant in the awakening process but now that I’d found a source of nourishment (love and forgiveness) I was able to start rebuilding my spiritual strength.

And so every October I allow myself to remember what I went through but each year I see it more lovingly and less tragedy. That’s not to say I don’t miss her, I do every day. BUT its a huge deal for me to understand what happened to me in the following way which is that; Every being here has a purpose no matter how big or small. That purpose can only be fulfilled once the being has realized who they are(meant to be). Without each and every event that has happened to me, without the ability to choose every single choice I had… I would not be the being I am now. The being I am now is filled with empathy and understanding on so many levels. I have wisdom and still feel like a child new to the world each day. I choose to welcome God into my reality with open arms. All of these things I would have never accomplished back then. And so, for all, I am grateful.

Please comment any questions or reactions to this post below.

Thank you for reading.




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