This past Saturday was the Deland Original Music Festival. My time to perform was 7:00pm on Stage 5
So as time drew near to the event this past Saturday, in Deland Florida, I was grinding away at the visual aspect of the performance I was scheduled for. I was excited, so that was fueling a lot of my work ethic without reminding me of how tired I was. Anyways, to sum up the first part, I’d felt like I made some really cool art for the night’s live show.
Fast forward to two hours before showtime. I’m in Deland, the festival is already underway. I’m in place of where the stage is supposed to be, and yet… nothing. No sound system, no banner, not even a power cord. But I think better of it, and give the benefit of the doubt, maybe it’s late on arrival.
6:30 came and I was dumbfounded as to what was going on. About 30 minutes prior I’d found the festival director’s cell via the email orientation each band received, and I sent him a text. Surprisingly, I still haven’t gotten a text back… no explanation. No apology.
Here’s where my empathic ability backfired- I took that and internalized it as feelings of limitation. That I didn’t deserve the chance to play after all the work I’d put in. Like I wasn’t worthy or something. It’s a 2 second flash sensation but once it hits, you immediately know the feeling you’re experiencing. all the while you look from the outside in at yourself like “why are you so offended? it’s on you”
Feelings of inadequacy have been old patterns my subconscious mind applied to match the identity of a life I used to speak about. I would say things like “I wish that were me” or “Too bad I wasn’t born rich” or similar lack provoking statements. Something I’ve been working on doing to changing my life is how I speak about myself, and in doing so that it will overwrite the old patterns with stronger more positive patterns. Taking ownership of a situation has given me a lot of room to release the stress without externalizing it. In a mental space where I take responsibility for the situation, my mind thinks “OK well this didn’t work, and we should figure out why but first we need to see what we can salvage” – and in this way I’m staying productive while defusing the emotional anger and guilt that used to accompany the old patterns.
It’s on me. And it was. That’s what’s got me so twisted up about it days later, is that I could have done something else while there, could have talked to more people, or called the director… but instead I just left. In the moment I felt that I and the other artists scheduled to perform were just not important enough to put out a PA system and let us join the festival. It was kind of embarrassing, but really only to me.
Now I read the rave reviews afterward about the festival on various blogs. I didn’t complain or post on a single one.
In fact, truthfully I forgive the director and all parties involved. During one of my meditations since that moment I put myself in his shoes and tried to see myself setting up and curating as many stages and artists as he did. A festival that size (running from 1pm – midnight, across several street blocks) is no easy venture. And for whatever reason the stage wasn’t there when I was… and so the Universe has made it that way.
The universe is just reflecting the vibrations we put out in the course of our lives, and so I wonder if something I though caused the stage to vanish… perhaps it was not the right moment for me to perform? whatever the cause, it is now in the past and I must forgive myself for the ill thoughts born of it.
I am now more prepared for the next show. More able to say yes on short notice, and wiser from experiences such as this. lessons learned are time later earned.
Thank you for reading.
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